The personal ad is supposedly a tongue-in-cheek one. “Single, white, 30 year-old Queen of Sheba, seeks tall, dark, and handsome type Solomon; very religious, of solid means, funny, between the ages of 25-35.” I say supposedly, because, in fact, all that she says that she seeks in Solomon is just the tip of the iceberg of what she really wants.
Add to the above: Solomon must be Egyptian or Indian (whatever her parent’s rules dictate), well educated (a doctorate degree would be ideal), understanding and sensitive, friendly, easy-going, but uncomprimising in his faith. Proud, but willing to admit when he’s wrong. A leader, but always eager to hear what others have to say – the list goes on and on.
And the bottom line is that this Queen of Sheba may never find her Solomon. And it’s not because he doesn’t exist, because he may very well exist. It’s because she is too old. And I say that in the nicest possible way.
The younger you are, the less realistic you are. You wear these rose-colored glasses and in many ways, that’s where a sense of maturity needs to come into play. However, when it comes to marriage, wearing rose-colored glasses may be your only ally. Again, I say that in the nicest possible way.
The younger we are, the more we are willing to trust, to take the proverbial ‘plunge’. The older we get, the more we learn to question, to doubt our hearts when our brains are dealing with intangibles. And it may very well be that the suitor who appeals to the young, naive 18 year old wouldn’t stand a chance if he were to propose to her older, ‘wiser’ 30 year old self.
And that’s not to say that all 18 year olds can be trusted to choose wisely. It doesn’t even say that they will succeed. In fact, their marriages may fail miserably. What it does say is that they are willing to take the chance.
I’m not endorsing young marriages or dooming older ones. I’m not saying one is destined to succeed where the other is doomed to fail. The point I am trying to make is this: the older you get, the less likely you are to listen to your intuition, the ‘blink’ inside of you. Maybe this can be a good thing, but what is it costing you? What is it causing the above queen of Sheba desperate enough to take out an ad?
Is the Muslimah looking for her suitable life partner setting impossibly high standards “just because she’s worth it”?
Is the Muslimah looking for her suitable life partner actually able to see when there is potential for that latest suitor?
What’s really holding her back?
Is it that there are no good men? Or is it that she can not see the good in men?
Has the ill experience of women she knows clouded her judgement and given birth to a fear of failure? A fear of failure. What is her “I’d rather be alone than settle for less” really hiding?
*****
Tall people are more prepared to take risks than small people, women are more careful than men, and the willingness to take risks markedly decreases with age. These are the recent findings of researchers in Germany. Do the results surprise you?
The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, “If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be disorder in the earth and a great deal of evil.” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi and others and classified as Hasan).
Another valid point is found when a companion told the Prophet, SAW, that he was going to get married. The Prophet, SAW, asked if he had seen her. When the man answered in the negative, he, SAW, said, “Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you.” (Reported by Ahmad and others and it is Sahih). In these 2 hadith is the beginning and the end for all marriage proposals, whether the bride be 18 or 30.
Muslim women would do well to take these into serious consideration when considering a marriage proposal. Notice that neither hadith guarantees marital bliss and success. What they do do is stress the importance of religion, character, and love. Religion, character, and love.
And that’s the advantage of having those pink shades on. You’ll be able to see the attraction, even if it defies ‘conventional wisdom.’ You’ll be able to tap into the potential without fearing the unknown. You’ll be able to find your Solomon – maybe ‘tall’ can mean ‘taller than you’, ‘of solid means’ can be buying you a chocolate bar on his pay day, and ‘funny’ can refer to the way he looks when he pairs white socks with his black shalwar kameez.
And with your Solomon, you’ll (maybe) live happily ever after. It’s a chance you’ll just have to take, dear sister Queen of Sheba.