Sorry about the title – not sure why it’s roaming around in my head (Mama Cass was way before my time!)

Sorry about the lack of posts as of late – don’t have much of an excuse.

InshaAllah, I am working on a few things and inshaAllah you’ll find one of them interesting (more on that soon).

In the meantime, I just wanted to let those of you who’ve emailed ebook@iamsheba.comlooking to get a copy of the decision book are so awesome for your patience.  I don’t actually man (or “wo”man) that email address – but if you want to get to me directly, email heba@iamsheba.com.

Although, I’ve been really bad with emails lately, I’m sorry for that too.  In fact, I don’t spend too much time online at all – and with my deactivation of my facebook account, I don’t seem to have an excuse to.  Of course, my children don’t like this, because now I’m spending my free-time giving them things to do.

In any case, I’ve been spending some time trying to see how I could get the decision book you seek to you in a way that doesn’t crash your computer or mine.  I finally got something (not as nice as the pdf book, but what can be done?).  

Click on the image or this link:

http://www.scribd.com/full/34660580?access_key=key-26r99b6pjmdpz1fv5rf9

Enjoy, dear sisters!  And thanks in advance for understanding and for accepting my apologies

Heba

If the cliche that reads ‘misery loves company,’ was a page in the encyclopedia, you might see a picture of Warda (all names have been changed to protect the privacy of others and I promise you, I can’t even remember her real name – but that is not to say that she isn’t a real person, because she is – okay let’s get on with it).

If you fell ill, Warda was there.  She would skip classes to comb the hair of a Muslim sister sick in hospital, even if she didn’t know her previously.  If you were suffering relationship woes, Warda would listen to your sob story in the wee hours of the night with empathy and absolutely no hint of “it’s getting late, and I should really get some sleep here.”  If someone in the community was in in dire need of financial aid, Warda would take out a loan and stop eating so that she could donate her money to them. 

You’re probably thinking, “MashAllah!  This Warda sounds like gold in a world of dirt.”  But, alas, there is a but.  You see, Warda, had one tragic flaw.  She was only there, in her element, when people were living in misery.  Once joy or even contentment resurfaced in their lives, Warda would be gone faster than a picky eater toddler (who’s supposed to be eating her vegetables) when her mother is preoccupied with meeting a writing deadline.  Now, take that same toddler and offer her rainbow colored candy.  Can you see her running from it?  I know for a fact that she wouldn’t.  Warda, on the other hand, would “happily” be eating those horrible vegetables, and flee from the sweetness of the candy.

She simply was not interested in sharing people’s ups.  Her dear friend’s wedding?  Forget about it – what dear friend?  A baby shower?  She had to shampoo her hair.  A Eid party?  Sadly, even those didn’t meet Warda’s ‘time to celebrate’ criteria.  Like I said, she was the poster girl for “misery loves company.”  

An extreme example, yes, but for the purposes of this article, I have to say, Warda was definately on to something. 

What she was on to was actually a key component of making your life a happy one, filled with contentment.  It is a contentment that stems from being grateful for what you have. 

Have I just lost you totally?  It’s okay, you’ll be able to read this over again. 

There are two ways I know of (and social scientists have confirmed it) to realize that you are a very blessed person, and let that realization bring much thankfulness into your life.  And where there is thankfulness to Allah SWT, there is contentment.  And where there is contentment, there is joy and happiness.  Alhamdullilah!

Way #1 – Looking to Those Who are Lower Than You

Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (SAW) as saying: Look at those who stand at a lower level than you but don’t look at those who stand at a higher level than you, for this would make the favours (conferred upon you by Allah) insignificant (in your eyes).  (Muslim)

When we always look at those who seem better off than us, we lose sight of the goodness that we should be grateful in our own lives.  So and so A is prettier, richer, smarter, (insert whatever here)…if it really bothers you, just stop looking at her.  Look to so and so B instead.  So and so B has 7 fingers on one hand, an obvious dislike for vegetables, and she just borrowed money from her mother in law.  Now, you feel pretty grateful for your good fortune.  Alhamdullilah, you think, I’ve been so blessed. 

And by Allah, you have.

Way #2 – The Modified Warda Method (but please proceed with caution)

The great thing about other people’s misery is that it too makes us feel grateful for our own lives.  But by no means should we ever bask in it, or feel discontent when our friends experience joy.  I’m thinking more along the lines of famous people who others look up to.  Consider someone like Britney Spears. 

Why is is that when her life becomes a complete and utter mess, do people snatch up the gossip magazines to read about all the details?  It’s not that they are happy to see her suffer (or maybe they are), but her problems make others realize that beauty, talent, wealth, and all that is valued by society, doesn’t buy people happiness.  It makes the common guy or gal feel like even though they might not have much going on for them and their lives are complete disasters, that they do have it better that she, who, seemingly, had it all.

My friend Warda, may Allah preserve her wherever she may be, had the right idea.  She just didn’t allow herself to get to the purpose behind the method.  And I tell you, if she had, she would have been so happy, knowing that she could find peace in her life, and still be there for her community in times of joy as well. 

But you get it, and aren’t you just so grateful?

Picture by theloushe

I have a toddler who is very loud.  She’s so loud that you can’t help but hear what she is saying (or demanding).  Like when she is in the grocery store screaming for a chocolate bar.  Or when she is in the masjid, reading surah al fatiha louder than the imam.  Or when she is playing in the park and divulging the details of her life to any stranger who will listen.  When I try to tell her that there is a time and a place (and a volume level) to talk, she ignores the advice and continues on her happily loud talking way. 

Yet, it’s the times when she is unable to talk that really worry me – the times when her emotions get the better of her and instead of articulating what she wants, she just screams it.  Really loudly. 

So, in an effort to save myself (and anyone with any hearing left) a headache, I’ve been scouring for tips and tricks on how to deal with a child during a temper tantrum.  I found a nifty little one a few weeks ago and so far, it’s been working well.  The trick involves acknowledging the child’s feelings during his or her emotional eruption by repeating what they’re trying to tell you.  For example, if the child screams “AHHH!  I want that chocolate bar NOW!”  you say “I see that you feel like you want that chocolate bar.” 

It’s not about getting weak and giving her the chocolate bar – it’s about showing her that you know what is upsetting her and you don’t disregard her feelings.  And from this place, it’s surprisingly easy to get her to come to the side of reason afterwards.  “I love chocolate bars too, sweet baby girl, but if we were to eat this one now – we wouldn’t be able to eat a healthy supper first.”

Ever since I’ve been acknowledging her feelings, the tantrums have decreased, the house is quieter, and both she and I are happier because of it.

It’s the art of listening at play.  Really listening.  And I believe that the more we practice it in our lives, the happier all our relationships will be.  Here are some ideas to get you listening to your loved ones with greater skills: 

Understand the benefits of listening well

For the situation with my daughter, the public displays of emotion were draining on me so much that it really became a big decision if I was going to take her out at all or not.  Imagine a child that is stuck at home all the time because no one wants to deal with her in front of an audience.  It was draining on the both of us – and because I couldn’t leave her at home alone, even the most routine of tasks and chores became difficult. 

As you grow to be a super listener in your own relationships, it pays to understand how the benefits will apply to you.  Will your marriage be stronger?  Will your depressed teenager finally feel like they can come to you about their troubles?  Will your parents feel like you’re finally giving them the reverence they deserve and is esteemed to them in Islam? 

Through listening, you will learn and grow and be aware of the options available to you when times get tough.  Especially during temper tantrums.   

Remember that communication can be hard

Almost everyone has been a victim of a communication faux-pas or misunderstanding.  Even the most articulate of us have a hard time making sure that when we speak we are understood by all.  There are so many different ways to say things and so many different ways for listeners to interpret them.  Therefore, it’s fitting to remember that communication is essentially messages and sometimes those messages can be surrounded by low visibility.  Simply keeping this knowledge in your sights can be the first step to opening your listening skills and making your ears more empathetic. 

Listen authentically and try mood matching

Try analyzing the following exchange between a husband and wife and note that he’s just come home from work and she’s in the kitchen cooking:

Husband (sounds annoyed, almost shouting):  Are we having macaroni for supper again? 

Wife (happily, still stirring the contents of the pot):  It’s so delicious – if you don’t love it, then you have no sense of taste!

Perhaps both are at fault for their communication skills – but I’m going to address the wife, because the response was hers.  Firstly, she should have heart that her husband sounded upset and realized that there may have been circumstances at work that made him so – but by sounding upbeat and not looking up from what she’s doing, she alienates his feelings immediately and loses the opportunity to have a worthwhile discussion about what’s really bothering him.  Secondly, even though she thinks she is joking, she does put him down with her insult and makes it seem like whatever she is doing is more important (and delicious) than what he wants.

It would have been more successful if she’d looked up, frowned like he was frowning, and said, “Oh no!  You don’t want macaroni?”

This is better because it acknowledges that he is upset – she’s not pushing that aside by making an offhanded remark – and that she cares enough to ask a question that will allow him to answer honestly.

In doing so, he may calm down and open up to her about what’s really going on, saying something like, “macaroni is not a problem.  The problem is actually…” 

At which point, the wife will probably want to turn the stove off, grab her husband’s hand, sit him down on a chair – and then really pay attention to what he has to say, without any distractions.   

The golden rule is that silence is golden

Abu Hurayrah relates that Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak a good word or remain silent. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his neighbor. And whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should show hospitality to his guest.” [ Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim ]

The typical conversation goes back and forth between two or more people.  If there’s flow and understanding – great, there’s flow and understanding.  But if there’s disaccord and resentment because of it, the conversation can wreak havoc on the relationship.  When things start to get too heated, it becomes necessary on whoever’s reading this article and trying to improve their listening skills to keep quiet – to use silence to postpone a response.  To slow down the conversation in order than it can go back to being an exercise in authentic listening. 

In heated discussions, silence is a great gift because it can allow all the parties involved time to think and reflect on what they want to say and what is being said. 

End conversations with Understanding – even if there isn’t agreement

Being a great listener entails receiving an accurate version of the message being sent – it means that you gain an understanding into the speaker’s communication.  It’s about seeing his or hers point of view – calmly, authentically, and completely.  Once this happens, you too are free to make your own point of view – to even disagree with what you’ve understood from them.  The important thing is that you’ve understood them and basic human laws of reciprocity state that by you doing this, they’ll want to do the same for you. 

It’s like the incident with my daughter over the chocolate.  I understood where she was coming from and she (somewhat) understood where I was coming from when I said that it would spoil her appetite.  In the end, we reached a compromise.  She’d get the bar after supper.  Although, supper did have to happen RIGHT NOW!

In a creative writing class I took awhile back, the teacher gave an exercise to do for character development.  At the time, it struck me that it would be a great add-on to the very first chapter of Release Your Inner Queen of Sheba!

Now, I’ve been told that as simple as the first protocol may seem at first, the need to really spend time on it and get it right will make the rest of the process easy.  While I was doing the live seminar - I tended to move quickly past it (there never is enough time!) and so I hope that this exercise will further enhance what is already in the book inshaAllah.

The exerise is originally intended to help fiction writers get in tune with the characters in their stories, but I think it will really help us to understand who we are – the very first step in harnessing our inner strength inshaAllah. 

Grab your notebooks on a beautiful day when you’re sure to have some quiet alone time and complete the following about yourself:

1.  I am….

2.  My latest accomplishment…

3.  When I get scared I…

4.  I am no longer….

5.  I feel good about….

6.  First thing in the morning I…

7.  My next step is….

8.  I get angry when…

9.  It makes me laugh when…

10.  One day I know I will…

11.  In my free time I….

12.  I hide when…

13.  One thing I want to tell the world is…

It’s an exercise in self-discovery that shines a light on things you might not have realized – and the discoveries might just give clarity to your days and your projects and help you see that you are beautiful and capable.  May Allah SWT make your days fruitful:)

Oh, and if you’re wondering what’s up with the post title – it’s based on an Egyptian saying (I’m sure other cultures have their own versions) “The monkey in the eyes of its mother is a gazelle.” 

What does that mean to you?

Photo by lauriepiper

“And, verily, Jonah was one of the Messengers. When he ran to the laden ship, he agreed to cast lots and he was among the losers, Then a big fish swallowed him and he had done an act worthy of blame. Had he not been of them who glorify Allah, he would have indeed remained inside its belly (the fish) till the Day of Resurrection. But We cast him forth on the naked shore while he was sick and We caused a plant of gourd to grow over him. And We sent him to a hundred thousand people or even more, and they believed; so We gave them enjoyment for a while. “(Ch 37:139-148 Quran).

In the story of Yonus (Jonah), peace be upon him, we are introduced to a prophet who failed.  Undoubtedly, like other stories narrated by Allah SWT and people of understanding, there are nuances – layers and layers of take-aways that can touch us or move us in numerous ways, and this one is no exception.  But it’s the failure we’re talking about today.

When Yonus is sent to the city of Nineveh, he feels like he has failed to convince them of their ignorance in taking idols as their diety and to instead worship the Oneness of their Creator.  He feels like he doesn’t want to keep failing in his mission and so he abandons it.  He runs away from what he is supposed to be doing, what he is born to do. 

Of course, what he was born to do is clearly laid out for him and although we aren’t so fortunate to have this done for us – the pursuit of this knowledge can be very satisfying.  But it’s the failure we’re talking about today.

And failure is a part of life.  We’ll fail in our physics tests.  We’ll fail in our diets.  We’ll fail in our business ideas.  We’ll fail to clean the house before unexpected guests knock at the door.  We’ll fail.  Over and over again.  But the failure doesn’t have to be such a bad thing.  It won’t be a bad thing if we can realize that:

a) it’s part of the process and

b) we are just a part of the process.

If every experience can teach us something, then an experience in which we fail has to be a professor emeritus. 

Here are some ideas to help us fail forward and move forward after a failure descends upon us:

1.  Admit Mistakes.  Take the Blame.  Read this article NOW

Many people are so concerned with being right that all their mental energy is consumed by stonewalling, bluffing, blaming and denying. Or failing.  Over and over again.  Don’t be one of these people.

2.  Learn something new.  Apply said something new. 

In the midst of failure, it’s easy to make like one of those “stick their head in the mud” birds and wallow in our innocence – or ignorance.  Still, if we mean to move on, we need to be strong, and we need to educate ourselves about why we failed and how we can learn not to fail next time.  What new information will allow us to turn a negative experience into a positive one?  What new information will give us a leg up – or a head’s up?  No mud in the nose required.

3.  Be willing to cut your losses. 

If you’ve received the Black, White and Red Decision Book, you might have been inspired to quit “flip-flopping” ways.  This step helps you cut the cord on things, projects, or pursuits that are draining your time and not really serving a purpose. 

If you’ve previously made a decision that doesn’t serve your best interests (or those you care about) as you had previously intended, then harness your queen of Sheba courage to ”let go” and get on to better things.

It’s in our best interests to practice flexibility (another great “f” word) in creating minds and bodies that deal well with failure – even flourish (an even better “f” word) because of it.  Over and over again.