I’ve been feeling kind of bad these past few weeks.  Bad as in guilty.  Guilty as in I’ve had to say the word dreaded by women everywhere.  “No.”  We hate to say it, some of us have a really hard time saying it (and may, in fact, be allergic to it), but alas, sometimes , it is necessary. 

If you’ve been an iamsheba reader for awhile, you know that I called 2009 the book tour year – that I would go where invited and meet with sisters to do the live version of the book (see the legacy guide tab) and other workshops.  And alhamdullilah, it was a wonderful year – I connected and made friends with queen of sheba sisters all around and I love ‘em dearly. 

And yet, the traveling and hectic schedule takes its toll – and so, in this new  year I’m looking for alternatives to that.  To that end, I’ve had to say “no” to some invitations and projects that people come to me with and that’s where the guilty feelings come in.  It’s really hard for me and my sincere apologies go out to those who’ve been at the receiving end. 

The thing is, family calls.  And if I’m preaching strong Muslim women who know who they are and what they’re purpose is and how to act on the things that will garner them success, then I must practice it too.

Alhamdullilah, I’ve been working on a few things – have done some online events for private groups and some live ones for local ones – but save for our iamsheba radio programs, I haven’t done anything that is open to sisters everywhere. 

Until now.

I’m totally stoked for this one.

When the sisters behind mumlovesme.com contacted me and told me they wanted to do a webinar and I shared one of the things I’d been working on – we immediately saw that we were on the same page and I’m glad to say that this will the culmination of months of work and research into what works and what doesn’t when it comes to management techniques for women in general, and moms in particular. 

Let me tell you, this webinar won’t be for moms only, inshaAllah, any woman can benefit because as my own mother might say – “there are 2 kinds of women in this world, those who are mothers, and those who are in training.”  (if you’ve heard that one before, read it again here)

Mumlovesme.com is a non-profit organization that means to educate women about the science and spirituality of pregnancy, raising a family, or dealing with issues of infertility.  While they’re still in the beginning stages, their aim is to create a place where Muslim moms can come together, share their stories, get their questions answered by experts, and learn to navigate the ups and downs of family life – while always keeping in mind that indeed, Allah is the best of planners.

LOL, did I just write their mission statement  

Anyhow, head over to their site, mumlovesme.com and register for the webinar that I’m really working hard to make  totally amazing.  And not just to alleviate my guilt over the word “no”

My youngest daughter has this little saying that she had been repeating for a while.  It goes “eeasy peasy lemon squeezy,” and I love it.  So the other day, I wanted her to say it because I hadn’t heard it for awhile and she replies “I’m getting bigger now, mama, I don’t say that anymore.” 

And I (in some weird “wanting to hold on to the cuteness of children as long as possible” way) snorted and said “well, even big girls can say that – so keep saying it okay?”  

So, I thought about that – how we do have it easy.  We really do.  

We don’t have to plow the fields without the aid of heavy duty machinery.

We don’t have to lug water from the wells to drink.

We don’t have to sift through rice for impurities (I remember helping my great grandmother with this one – and it was a hassle).

We don’t have to sleep on cold floors without the aid of warm electricity.

We don’t have to walk.  Anywhere.

We don’t have to pick up what’s left of our lives after a mega earthquake destroys the ground beneath us.   Unless, of course, we’re reading this from Haiti.

Eeasy, peasy are our lives.  No matter how intense certain situations are (or how we think they’re intense), we can forgo the drama and relish in the gratitude. 

And this is the promise of Allah SWT, that HE does not burden a soul with more than it can bear.  Yes, sometime there are lemons – bitter.  And squeezing them has to become something we can do.

Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, Who say, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return.”  They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. – [Quran 2:155-157]

This was the young Haitian boy saved from the rubble of the earthquake days afterwards and whose smile was seen around the world.  In video footage of the event, the boy lifts his arms happily – as if taking in the cheers. 

As if saying, “eeasy, peasy lemon squeezy.”

And we think our problems are bad. 

Alhamdullilah. 

Abdullah ibn al Mubarak was seen standing before the Ka’bah and was overheard saying: “O Allah, Ibn Abil-Muwaali told us from Muhammad Ibn al-Munkadir from Jaabir (RA) that Your Prophet (SAW) said, ‘The water of Zamzam is for whatever it is drank for.’ I am drinking it to prevent the thirst of the Day of Judgement.” Then Abdullah ibn al Mubarak drank it.

Life coaches everywhere know the power of good intentions, and Muslims everywhere should recognize the POWER of the RIGHT intentions. The fact is that the action we take should be directly related to the intent behind those actions. But sometimes things happen, we get busy with our lives, and we don’t really reflect on our intentions enough. Our actions, even our deeds become the ‘norm’, doing them becomes mindless, and reaping the benefits is not even in the picture.

Yet, when it comes to leading our best lives, to living with purpose and clarity, and excellence in all that we do, the act of going back to our intentions and giving them their due importance becomes obligatory. For the seeker of excellence, continually reviewing, expanding, and renewing your intention becomes as essential as oxygen is to your physical sustenance.

Muna (not her real name) has had a rough year. She became a mother for the third time, and her own mother passed away. Her husband works long hours in a city they just moved to. She feels isolated not knowing too many people and uprooted from her past life, her home and friends. She spends most of her time cooking and cleaning and tending to her children. She’s busy, yes, but in a “this is just filling my time” sort of way. Her actions are mechanical, her state of mind stolid (at best), and even her two year old sees it. The other day the child asked her mother why she never plays with her.

Mustafa (not his real name) is trying to be the patient and understanding husband, but he says that everything he does to try to help Muna reclaim the essence of her lively life (the one before this year) is met with indifference from her. Frankly, he thinks that he’s absorbing her impassiveness upon himself. And this worries him. The drive he had at his work, the rapport he enjoyed with his friends, the excitement he first felt at the prospect of getting involved with the Muslim community in his area, are all beginning to fade. He wants to reverse the situation, but he doesn’t know where to begin.

Where he begins is where we should all begin at times, at the start of every morning, but especially more so when we’re trying to get out of a destructive rut or looking to accomplish a worthy goal: we should all begin with our intentions. Purposely intending to do something that will color your life lively is the place to start. That’s fine for him, argues Mustafa, but how can he “intend” to influence someone else’s life, namely his wife.

The truth is, you can’t. But that’s part of making intentions too. By the very nature of the act, you are stating your objectives to Allah SWT, aiming to do the work necessary to achieve them, and then absolving yourself from the result that may or may not be in your control. The results are in the Hands of Allah SWT, and there is liberty in knowing that so long as your intention was in the right place, you can’t go wrong.

Here are four tips enabling you to ensure you’re making the most of your intentions:

1. Speak them out loud and use meaningful adjectives

The act of verbalizing an intention is the first step in transforming it from some random “I should do this” type of thought that roams around the wasteland of our minds to an “I will do this” action plan. What do you intend? Articulate it. Make it thrive with vibrancy. Have it be so colorful that you jump out of bed as the thought of it crosses your mind. After much soul searching, Mustafa found his voice. He spoke his intention to his wife one morning. “InshAllah, I’m making the intention to go for Hajj with you this year. We’ll have the most spiritual, wonderful time of our lives, and I can barely wait until I clear a path for you to kiss the black stone!” This last part made Muna laugh out loud, catching her husband’s enthusiasm.

2. Give them a fighting chance to see the light of day

What are the actions that will help along your intentions? What do you need to do so that your spoken intentions aren’t just just a bunch of words that you speak nonchalantly because you think that you “should” be doing them? Once you’ve determined what needs to be done, do it. When Mustafa intended to work on bringing the “life” back into his marriage and into his entire life, he decided that a Hajj trip for him and Muna would be what they needed. He started working on a plan, budgeting for the costs associated, and looking for someone to watch the children when they would be away.

3. Visit them often

Connect with your intentions in your duas to Allah SWT. Ask HIM to accept them, to make them happen. Reflect on them before doing an act and while thinking about doing an act. See them in your mind’s eye during times of reflection. Allow them to present themselves when you least expect them to. One time on his commute home, Mustafa was daydreaming so vividly about embarking on the Hajj rites with Muna, that he nearly missed his stop.

4. Treat them tenderly with loving care

Knowing that they will serve you well, no matter if you attain them or not. Allah SWT will look at your intentions not just accordingly, but abundantly. Narrated by Abu Hurairah (RA) that our Prophet (SAW) said, “Allah says, ‘If my slave intends to do a bad deed then (O Angels) do not write it unless he does it; if he does it, then write it as it is. But if he refrains from doing it for My Sake, then write it as a good deed (in his account). (On the other hand) if he intends to do a good deed, but does not do it, then write it as a good deed (in his account), and if he does it, then write it for him (in his account) as ten good deeds up to seven-hundred times.’” [Bukhari]

In the end, it’s an interesting thing about intentions. You never really comprehend how far they’ll go or what a lasting impression and legacy they can result in. Hajar (RA) had the intention to take care of her infant son. Left in a barren land, she went from the mounts of AlSafa and AlMarwa looking for sustenance. As she came down and saw the gushing water, she proclaimed, “Zam Zam,” and cupped her hands to catch it. And it flowed and flowed. Her son drank and she drank. Ibn AlMubarak drank. Generations of Muslim drank and will continue to drink from it inshAllah. What will your intention be when you get the chance? Mustafa knows what his will be.

——-

* This article first appeared in Distinction Magazine

While Omar Ibn Khattab was walking at night to check on the people, he heard a mother ordering her daughter to dilute the milk.  The daughter replied, “Do you not know that the Emir of the believers has forbidden that?”  The mother said, “Omar Ibnul-Khattab does not see us now.”  She replied, “If Omar does not see us, his Lord sees us.”  When Omar heard these words, he put a mark on the house and went to his sons.  He told them, “There is a young lady in that house; which of you will marry her?  By Allah, I will not let her marry a stranger. If you do not obey me, I will marry her myself.”  His son Aasem married her, and in this way the son of the Amir of the believers married a milk-seller for her fear of Allah.  And so it is that Omar Ibn-Abdul-Azeez, the well-known and just ruler descended from this woman.  

Like many stories of the seerah of the prophet Muhammad SAW and his companions, this one has many nuances.  We can talk about how this woman was honest and so won the hand of the most eligible bachelor.  We can talk about how cheaters never prosper or how you have to stand up for your values.  We might even say that she puts Cinderella to shame. 

But the thing that stands out for me today – and hopefully for you to, is that this woman was congruent.  Congruent.  Congruent as in aligned.  What you see is what you get.  She’s the same inside as she is outside.  No hypocrisy.  She’s living according to her values – and all measures of happiness tell us that this is the best way to live.

When our insides – who we are when no one is watching or no one can hear – are in sync with our actions – how we act when others can see or hear - we become aligned, congruent, and happiness can be ours too.  It’s the notion of “an authentically lived life.” 

And without taking away from the concept of taqwa, because indeed Allah SWT can see and hear us at all times and is closer to us than our life’s vein, the idea of a life lived authentically carries this knowledge too. 

So, how to do it?  How do we live in a way that makes us feel like all that we consider to be good, right, and true to equate to happiness and positivity in ourselves and in how we feel about our own sections of the world? 

We do it, very simply, by taking the two parts and matching them up like a puzzle with only 2 pieces. 

1.  Listen to your Heart

I’ve quoted Steven Covey before (especially in regards to time management) and one of his other says is “Be sure that, as you scramble up the ladder of success, it is leaning against the right building.” 

Understanding what your heart really wants and knowing that the roles you take on in your life are ones that meet your heart’s desires helps ensure that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, you can find contentment and satisfaction in all that you did. 

In my last post I talked about trusting yourself and this comes into play here as well, trust your heart to tell you what it most desires. 

What do you want to be known for on earth?  What reputation would you like to have while here?  How do you want to be known with Allah SWT?

2.  Watch your Body

After determining the values that will shape who you are,  you need to choose to get your body to act on those values.  You need to guide your body to do the bidding of your heart’s most ideal desires.

Whenever you are forced to choose between one behavior and another you will always act consistent with what is most important and valuable to you.  You will choose the behavior that brings you closer to the outcome of what you want to be known for on earth and in the sight of Allah SWT.

Seems simple, right?  It is. 

Be “what you see is what is” in all your dealings, relationships, and deeds and all that is happy, authentic, congruent, aligned will be yours.  This is true, no matter what your life circumstances are.  It’s true if you’re a milk seller or the leader of an empire, or a loyal iamsheba.com implementer.

Yay, queens of Sheba, yay

Photo Courtesy of Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton

In the book, Release Your Inner Queen of Sheba, there’s a chapter called “Lifting it Up.”  In it, I talk about the value of salat alistikharah in a slightly different way than people are accustomed to.  And later on in the book, I refer to a “queen whisperer” and how to become your own queen whisperer.  And while these two ideas seem disjointed, the underlying principal in both is the concept of self-trust.  In the case of “lifting it up”, making sincere dua to Allah SWT for guidance in your manners, trust has to come into play – trust that Allah will lead you to what is best, and trust in yourself to follow what you feel Allah wants for you.  In the case of the “queen whisperer”, self-trust becomes the catalyst for touching our inner core, the place where resilience and self-possession comes into play.

Self-trust is a virtue.  It’s a virtue that, if we can harness it, can give us satisfaction in all our decisions, and patience with all our circumstances.  Self-trust is how we know ourselves deeply, and how we rely on ourselves with confidence.  If we believe that we can handle the difficult times, we can conquer our fears and not allow them to prevent us from moving forward with our dreams.

With self trust, comes self possession, that “calm under stress” that keep us in control when things get hectic —knowing we can complete the assignment, juggle our priorities, handle the disaggreement with our husbands, or make a mistake and not die because of it.

When we trust ourselves, we can better weather the storms of tough emotional times, the trials and tests of grief or anger or helplessness – because we feel safe in our own care.  We treat ourselves kindly, almost like we might treat a child (a smart one ) and this helps us learn from our mistakes and propels us forward. 

Smart is self-trust, it’s self-esteem manifest in the best possible way.  It’s not arrogance, but confidence in yourself, your gifts, and your abilities.  W’Allahi, it is such a gift – and those that don’t trust themselves do themselves a grave disservice.  But not you.

If you’re lacking in the self-trust department, here are some ways to fatten your quota:

1.  Learn to chalk up past “mistakes” to wisdom producing experience.

What’s done is done.  Everything is a teacher, every situation is trying to teach you something – trusting yourself is recognizing that all of the past was meant to happen, and is what makes you who you are today.  But if it’s negative, it doesn’t have to define you – find out what you had to learn to make you better today, and then move on.

2.  Nurture yourself now.

Learn the habits and routines that make you feel healthy and happy now.  Eat right, exercise, don’t stress, and remember that ease and moderation are the way of our religion, the lifestyle we are encouraged to embrace. 

3.  Learn to communicate clearly with yourself.

For a primer on this, read Don’t Believe Everything you think here.

Gathering all the information about a situation and communicating it to yourself properly is the way to make sure that you aren’t using condescending self-evaluations sure to blow any self-trust and self-esteem you’ve built out of the water. 

4.  Intuition can be learned.  But you probably knew that.

If you’ve ever read the book “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell, you’ll have an idea about this one.  We often think that coming to conclusions or making decisions is just a mechanical process. But if you’ve ever had the experience of meeting someone who you didn’t like but couldn’t say why, you’ll know that there are other “undefinables”.   This one is all about fine-tuning our intuition and “gut feelings”, becoming our own queen whisperers. 

Oddly enough, as children, we were probably better at this, but as time went on and we grew up we started to lose the ability.  This, of course, goes  back to that idea of treating ourselves like that (smart) child.  You want to make sure your actions start to ”feel right” for you too.  InshaAllah, I’ll write more about this in the future, but you can definitely re-read “The Queen Whisperer” chapter for a better understanding.

Indeed, self-trust.  It’s an “I AM SHEBA” thing.