The Queen of Sheba learns to take "it" like a (wo)man!

Yasmin (not her real name) has a “weasel” like tendency.  She keeps finding ways to blame others for everything that goes wrong in her life.  She’s chubby because her mom’s food is too delicious.  She gets a bad mark on an essay because the professor is having “family issues” and taking it out on his students.  She doesn’t have many friends because her cultural background is different than the mainstays in her small town.  Yasmin’s oft repeated refrain goes something like this, “it’s not me, it’s not my fault.  There’s nothing I can do to change it.”

And I listen and empathize, just because I’m nice that way :)  But if I had to toughen it up and sit her down and really drill into her the rules of engagement when it comes to toughening it up and facing things like a true queen of Sheba would, here is what I would say:

1.  Avoiding responsibility for our actions is the best way to make sure that we get stuck in a life that we wield no control over. Avoiding responsibility for our experiences turns all the energy that may be better used for solving our problems into something contained in this ‘bubble’.  It’s a bubble that keeps us from learning what we need to learn in order to grow and flourish in our lives.  We need to recognize our part in the problem so that we can benefit.  What did we do or not do to perpetuate it?

2.  When you talk like a blameless victim of circumstance, when you believe that you are a victim of circumstances beyond your control, you start acting the way victims do.  You lose the power to choose your own thoughts and the actions that will bring you closer to leading your best life are virtually trashed – becoming victims as well.  “I can’t get a good mark because of…” or “I can’t find friends because of …” are statements that need to be reevaluated and changed to reveal the choices and options that are available to you.  “I choose to resist my mom’s good food or eat less of it. I choose to discuss a diet plan with her.  I choose to convince her that this plan will be good for the both of us.”

3.  Okay, when you realize what is in your control and you start to take the blame responsibility for it, move on thereafter.  I wouldn’t want Yasmin to turn into this perpetual “woe is me, I take full blame for everything.  My problems, my fault.  Your problems, my fault.  Global warming, my fault.”  It’s about claiming the problem, recognizing our role in it, and seeing the possibilities on how we can fix it, and then, doing our best to do just that.

Be on your way right after.  Take the lesson, and then be on your way.

Releasing your inner queen of Sheba includes the part where you admit your mistakes, apologize to anyone you may have stepped on in the process of said mistake, make amends/take action where necessary, and then move on, without being pathetic.  There is no ‘weaselnish – ness’ involved.