Photo Courtesy of BlsForBarca
The question:
Salam Alaykum sister Heba,
I hope that you are well. JazakAllahu Khayraan for the book, it really has helped me alot alhamdullilah. May Allah reward you for your efforts.
If you don’t mind i was wondering if i could ask you for some advice?
I am a 20 year old sister who recently did my nikah (marriage contract) with a brother, but for cultural reasons, we didn’t get time to have meetings where I could get to know him better and ask questions.
Our waleema (social party) will happen soon and this is when we will move in together. But some issues in my mind have been raised.
I have been having some doubts-the brother does have a polite, gentle and patient character mashallah but one of my main worries came when i discussed the issue of goals and ambitions in life. The brother is very simple and said that he didn’t really have any in mind other than raising a family.
But I am a very highly motivated and ambitious person and was taken back by his answer - although I am not saying that I don’t think that raising a family is not important but I guess I had always dreamt of marrying someone with big goals (similar to mine) so we could assist one another in achieving them.
Now I don’t know whether I am lowering my standards of expectation if I go ahead with the marriage as it may effect the way I want to live my life or my direction in life. I know things are based on intention but don’t we have to make sacrifices, exert effort and prove our intentions to Allah through our actions?
Or am I limiting my self and should I be looking at this as a great oppurtunity to share my vision with him so that he can help me move forward and maybe even inspire him to aspire to something great?
- Signed Sleepless in <insert city>
My answer:
JazakAllahu Khayraan for the kind words sister and for trusting me to give you an answer. InshAllah, it will be one that you can derive benefit from.
When it comes to matters of marriage proposals, consider these 2 hadiths:
The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, “If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be disorder in the earth and a great deal of evil.” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi and others and classified as Hasan).
A companion told the Prophet, SAW, that he was going to get married. The Prophet, SAW, asked if he had seen her. When the man answered in the negative, he, SAW, said, “Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you.” (Reported by Ahmad and others and it is Sahih).
A dear friend of mine once said something to me that her mother had said to her and that I’ve often repeated since. She said her mother prayed that she would find a husband that, at the end of the day, would be someone who could “take care of her.” So, with all her great ambitions, dreams, and goals and as she worked hard to pursue them, she would need someone who could be stronger than her and would know how to treat her right.
Do you see how such a man would NOT be a hindrance to her? Do you see how such a man, despite the fact that he might not have the same goals as her, could be a support system for her? Do you see how such a man, through his devotion, could, in fact, be the reason why she achieves great things?
Now, I’m not saying that the brother in this situation could be such a man – he might not be. But I’m saying that judging him by just the fact that he has different goals – you may in fact be setting yourself up for a lonely life.
Having the ability to adapt and know that life has its different stages is to your benefit for your entire life. There are times when your goals will change, when you’ll feel like you want to take over the world one year, and stay at home kissing a baby all day the next year. But through it all, you need someone you love and someone you support and who, in turn, offers you the same love and support.
InshAllah, this is a topic I’m actually writing about in the next book, but since you have the first one – if you look at protocol 2, The Queen’s Modus Operandi, and know what makes you tick – and then as you get to know a husband (or potential one) better, you can use said knowledge to your favor, to find that common ground when it comes to (seemingly) opposing life goals.
But if you’re going into a marriage thinking “oh, I’ll be able to change him,” that isn’t the right attitude. You won’t. You need to go into a marriage thinking, “oh, he’s so wonderful! I wouldn’t change a thing!”
And that comes from seeing him, praying salat al istikharah, – being tuned into your whole “queen whisperer” thing and just knowing that he’s the one for you. That’s not to say he will be and you’ll live happily ever after. That is in the hands of Allah SWT.
But you can go into a marriage feeling like this is someone I care about even though I don’t know him, even though we seem really different. Allahu alem.
LOL – you can probably tell I have alot to say about this ( a book’s worth 
)!
In the end, I believe that we know the answers – that our hearts tell us who we can love forever, and be happy with or who, in our heart, we feel like we can’t love, and so look for reasons not to love.
Now, I’d love to hear everyone else’s thoughts.
Do you agree with me? Tell me where I’m wrong? How would you advise this sister? May Allah SWT reward you for your answers 
Heba
Aslamu aleykum wr wb sister,
I make dua that you are all well. You know to the sister that posed the question, I have been having a similar issue to you. Subhan Allah. Only this brother [my prospective spouse] has many ambitions similar to me, and some different. Instead of focusing on the common ground, i have been focusing on the differences, just because I want to make sure that it works between us. Insha Allah. I would advise you to consult your heart, if you are not completely happy you shouldnt go through with it. Nabi saw said to marry on your level, and if you are happy then Alhamdulilah. I think that you will know if it is right for you. Just make constant dua’a and don’t forget to have time out from the situation and people around you so you can think clearly. Allah swt is the best of planners.
first of all, go to Love Notes/ Fiqh of Love
But in all seriousness, I agree with what Sr. Heba says, BUT I would highly recommend talking about this topic with your husband ASAP. If you have certain expectations for yourself, and it’s important to you (ie, if pursuing a career is important to you), then this is something that has to be discussed thoroughly between him and you. Otherwise, you may get into the marriage thinking, he’ll just change his mind, and he may be thinking the same thing about you. And when you realize that you won’t be able to change the spouse’s mind, sometimes problems occur. One of my friends just got engaged mashaAllah, and she had the exact same concern as you, and I told her the same.
Alhamdulillah I have been nikkah’d for about a year now, and this is one of the things we did before getting married- talking about issues that we know are important for us and also issues that may seem somewhat trivial. Yet, talking about it early on gives you a good idea of what to expect out of your husband and a good way to understand what your husband expects out of you. And of course, last but certainly not least, make istikhara
Just because you and your fiance/husband may have a few dissimilar ideas does not mean you should start getting worried 
Sorry I rambled
May Allah forgive me if I said anything wrong.
*Blinks*
Woah… for a moment I thought you ripped out a page from my journal or something!
SubhanAllah, this is something I’ve also been struggling with internally. And the conclusion I came to, is exactly the same as yours, Heba!
Even though I don’t live with my husband yet either, I’m coming to realize that although there are times when my dreams and ambitions don’t parallel his, as long as he gives me the space to pursue whatever I can, I’ll be happy insha’Allah. There is so much that I’ll still be able to accomplish! And there are many times, no doubt, when the ambitious wife will be incredibly grateful for her rock-solid, “simple unambitious” husband…
As long as there aren’t any major issues, like if he states outright that he wants his wife at home and NOT involved in huge ambitious projects, then insha’Allah there will always be a way to balance your own great dreams and the ‘simple life’ that your husband desires.
As salaamun alaykum dear sister,
I agree with what this sister said, but I am also going to come from a place of experience with marriage alone. I am 54 years old now.
I love what everyone has said. I think the best thing of all is talking to the brother about this issue. I would ask him how he feels about you going after your goals. Will he support you? Will he want you to stay home and be a mother and a wife and give up your goals? The only way you can find these things out is by talking to him.
I think there must be a way to make time for the meetings. Then make Istakhara.
I am a revert and live in the U.S. so realize that I went through a typical american marriage.. so I can’t speak as an expert here. But I have had many young Muslimah friends who have gone through this. Honestly sis I think the most important thing is communication, outside of duaa, of course.
Perhaps then you can be at peace with your decision. I think that would be the best way to start a marriage.
Just my humble opinion – as only a revert, of course.
May Allah bless you abundantly!
Linda
SubhanAllah! This one really hits home for me…
Sr. Heba: Yes, I agree with you. May Allah protect and preserve you and your family, and continue to bless you with the ability to touch people’s hearts the way you certainly do – Ameen!
My advice to the sister:
One day, the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) noticed a bedouin leaving his camel without tying it. He (SAW) asked the bedouin, “Why don’t you tie down your camel?” The bedouin answered, “I put my trust in Allah.” At that, the Prophet (SAW) said, “Tie your camel first, then put your trust in Allah.” (At-Tirmidhi)
Dear sister: How content are you about having ‘tied down your camel’? How will you know whether or not this brother is committed to supporting a highly motivated and ambitious sister like yourself? What is really keeping you from communicating your concerns to this brother?
Regarding ‘putting your trust in Allah’… After 11 years of marriage, I often revel in the fact that plan as we may, ultimately, Allah (SWT) is the best of planners. So, once you’ve done what is in your control, who knows what blessings Allah has in store for you?
At the last DiscoverULife Coaching Certification with Shaykh Muhamamd Alshareef, I had what some might call “an epiphany”, after one of the analogies he shared with us. I learned that being on the passenger side does not make one any less of a leader, as long as both the driver and the passenger understand when to drive and when to ride
Dear sister: Imagine that your marriage is a car ride, and both you and your husband are highly motivated to reach your goals during this ride. One might think that the leader is the one steering the wheel. In fact, a true leader is he/she who knows when to drive at the wheel, and when to ride on the passenger side. As you and your spouse continue your car ride, the road and weather conditions may vary. Knowing and respecting when to be the driver and when to be the passenger is what will allow each of you to assist one another in achieving your goals, bi idh nillah. And Allah ta’ala knows best!
I wish you the highest level of success in your marriage and beyond =)
SubhanAllah, Zaytun and AnonyMouse, I was telling the sister that sent me the question that I actually get it so often – further proof that we our similarities are so similar
Mehreen, yes, I agree, there should be a discussion to gain clarity. I just feel like no matter what is said in that discussion, it won’t matter – if they both want each other badly enough – she’ll find a way to hear what she wants to hear and he’ll find a way to hear what he wants to hear
Allahu alem.
Linda, your opinion matters, your experience matters, and everyone is a teacher – so jazakAllahu Khayraan for letting us in
And may Allah SWT bless you abundantly as well.
Muna, thanks for sharing ukhty! May all your epiphanies be of the kind that will inspire the masses
SubhanAllah…how often I’ve seen this situation – the wife with ambitions and the husband with seemingly less drive. I agree with Heba and everything the sisters have already said.
I’ve noticed women’s tendency to want their husbands to be like them, that if they’re into something then the husband must be also and if not, then it feels like something’s missing or they have to ‘fix’ it somehow. This is a mistake. Our husbands aren’t our girlfriends. The key is to find what common themes you do share and be okay with the spaces that are there. What feels insecure could very well be a prompt for discovery and learning new things.
As the sister strives to soar sky-high with her ambitions, she’s going to need a place of grounding, of rest. It sounds like her husband may very well be able to provide this.
The words of Khalil Gibran in The Prophet (on marriage) helped alot when I was dealing with a similar issue:
Then Almitra spoke again and said…
“And what of Marriage, master?”
And he answered saying:
You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.
Salam sisters, mashallah ive heard some very good advice. However dont you think we should encourage the sister to also consider and really think about what it is she feels her potentail spouse can offer her, religiously speaking? Im not married so correct me if im wrong inshallah.
Sister Hibaah, i love that Masha Allah. I really can benefit from dat insha Allah
Asalamu Alaykum, I want to say juzakallahu khairan to sister Heba and to all the sisters for their input, may Allah bless you all inshallah and reward your efforts. Reading what everyone has to say has really helped me greatley mashallah. I was a little suprised as I didnt think there were so many other sisters out there dealing with this issue. Again I want to thank you all and let you know you are all in my duas. Wsalam
Salam Heba
I couldnt agree more with your answer Mashallah. Is your book on for sale, where can I purchase it from?
I greet you all with a greeting of peace, my sisters of faith:
I have to say that i really liked the common sense behind Heba’s answer Masha’ Allah.
If one really thinks about it – what women truly want is like Heba says somone who can provide for her with her basic needs i.e simply taking caring of her (that incl the preservation of her deen). The fact that your husband is not on the same level as you regarding fulfilling dreams – it’s not thee most important ingredient to make a successful marriage, i would say.
And i also agree your ambitions will definitly change according to the pressures/demands of your life. Then these things will lose its importance at times.
However, i would say make it clear to your partner you would love his support/constuctive critiscm of your goals and that you’d appreciate he not clip your wings and promise yourself that you’d not get so caught up in your goals that your priorities fall on the way side.
And lastly i was cautioned – never go into a marriage trying to change another – rather try to inspire- and who knows maybe you’d be able to do just that in your marriage with this person Insha’ Allah. One other thing i was advised on and that is never try to expect him to be EVERYTHING for he is just this ONE person – if he does not share your ambitions then you have sisters to count on who will.
All the very best to all my married sisters and kindly pray that one day i may too experience the interesting troubles and toils of marriage.
Love and du’a
saleema
South Africa
Assalamu ‘alaykum sister,
WOW. What a coincidence…
i think you should bear in mind the advice of the prohpet (SAW). If you are satisfied with his piety and his character (well if he is polite, gentle and patient; then you should be lol), then why are you having doubts? i think these characteristics are perfect for a husband to have especially if you are the one with big ambition. You will realise just how important these ‘little things’ are, later in the marraige inshalla. It’s not the end of the world if he currently lacks ambition. Some people just haven’t found theirs yet.
This is a brilliant oppurtunity for you inspire him to find and achieve his goals. Could you imagine if your own husband was inspired by YOU, his own wife! You will be the source that fuels his love for you, and that will never die, it will just grow and grow!
…i was in a similar situation to yours; and now i am the happiest woman in the world
Salam Sr.Heba
Thanks for the advice, very beneficial as always. Love your blog.
My husband was exactly like the one described in the original post. Initially i thought he would be a hindrance to me. But it turned out quiet the opposite in fact; he is like you say a ‘support system’ for me. I think his patience and devotion to me have over the years been the reason why I have been able to successfully move towards achieving my ambitions. It was difficult at first, but we soon resolved and appreciated each others differences and how the would infact benefit each other as opposed to being a hinderance to each other.
My advice to the young sister is to be patient and don’t expect too much too quickly; marraige is about learning ang growing. Allah (SWT) through his infinite wisdom has brought the two of you together for a reason. Prove your intentions to Allah through your actions; be patient and don’t pressure him to change, it will happen gradually and you will reap the benefits later on inshalla. I’m sure you’ll make each other very happy.
xx
Umm Salema
SubhanAllah, it’s always nice to get confimation about one’s ideas and theories, especially from those who’ve gone through the experience:)
Somehow I missed all the additional comments on this one – please forgive me. But you’ll be happy to know that the iamsheba marriage book is on it’s way inshaAllah
Keep me in your dua!
Salam Sr.Heba,
I especially agree with this quote:
I’m not married but Alhumdullilah I learned lots of good things from this post. I like the following three especially:
“Always remeber WHY you chose your husband in the first place.”
“You need to go into a marriage thinking, “oh, he’s so wonderful! I wouldn’t change a thing!”
“But you can go into a marriage feeling like this is someone I care about even though I don’t know him, even though we seem really different.”
Glad it helped Aneela. And I think the lesson is for those who aren’t married – make dua that the upcoming book will really help as well insha Allah:)
yes can’t wait for the book
One of the most dangerous aspects of trials is the element of doubt. When you’re in a trial and you feel bad, there is an underlying stress inducing thought which is connected to your whole body’s system of thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and behavior. This will definitely wear you out mentally and puts you in an endless vicious circle of stressful thoughts and that causes depression which leads to sleep deprivation, loss of appetite etc. Don’t let doubt take over your thoughts:
“Truly man was created very impatient; Fretful when evil touches him; And stingy when good reaches him”
Just like the sister said above – always remeber WHY you chose your husband in the first place. Who knows, this may be a blessing in disguise!
“and We test you by evil and by good by way of trial”
i just stumbled upon this site – am i d only man here hehe =)
woah woah woah! hang on a minute sis! r u saying u hv already DONE d nikka? dat meanz dat ur already married rite? y did u marry him in d first place den if ur having doubts?
normal 2 have cold feet. time is key. trust me sis, whatever u do, dont tell him u hv dounts ur gonna mess w his mind AAAAAAAAARGH!
no disrespec yea, but ur young n probably naive if u tink that u can just prove ur intentions to Allah by sacrificing ur marriage!!!!!!
i was always taught to be firm and straight to the point when it comes to matters about the deen. some things, especially marriage, are not to be taken lightly. divorce happens far too easily and far too often it todays times. people go in to marriage thinking everything is going to be great all the time. no one is perfect. neither you nor your husband. a marriage takes alot of effort and a lot of time.
let me get this straight:
You have a husband who is polite, gentle and patient? (please don’t tell me he is loving and caring too!)
You have your own goals and ambitions in life. (so you are probably not the typical stay-at-home housewife!)
Your husband is very simple and just wants to raise a family. (that gives you opportunity to achieve your goals!)
Poor you – sounds like you are in a dead end marraige!
“..that (comes) of the grace of Allah to us and to mankind: yet most men are not grateful.”
Br. Arif, jazakAllahu khayraan, it is always interesting to hear the male perspective – and it must have taken some gumption for you to post – I know we have much estrogen here!
Sister, you touch on the matter of gratitude. And certainly, having gratitude in anything and everything is the key to contentment. Barak Allahu feeki.
this seems like a popular post
Any chance of a reply from the original poster? Why is she having doubts AFTER the marriage? what does she mean by “…always dreamt of marrying someone else”? did she accept his offer of marriage or was she forced into it?
it would be interesting to hear from her. What do you think Queen Sheba
?
love your blog by the way. you go girl!
i just read your ’5 Questions to ask your Husband’ post and then i saw this. 3 of my questions would have been:
Are you polite?
Are you gentle?
Are you patient?
i think this post can read my mind! lol.
Marriage is all about give and take. Compromise is the KEY to marriage. Your case, sister, is TYPICAL of young married women. Dount, cold feet, inexperience, stubborness, unwilling to compromise, selfishness – these are destroyers of marriage.
Compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance – often involving variations from an original goal or desire. Unfortunately most people learn the hard way. Marriage is AMAZING. But it’s hard work! You cannot always get what you want, and have things your way.
It is clear from your description that your husband is a good catch, but that you are having doubts as a result of your differences. My suggestion to you is not to let worry get the better of you. YOU ARE DIFFERENT. You will always find differences in who ever you marry. The key is understanding. Knowing that you are no longer the same person before marriage as you are after – you have to mould to suit each other’s individual characteristics. You have to LEARN to love. You; together with your husband, will become a new person. As the saying goes, two become one!
As a woman of purpose, do not permit doubt into your home and marriage. When you start doubting your husband you are giving the enemy room to penetrate into your marriage to destroy it. So, closeness in marriage is a medicine. Woman as you read this article, if you know that this ingredient of closeness is missing in your marriage, please rush home now and put things in order. Let it start from you.
Remember how you fell in love? how romantic it was? how you always long for his presence? You can make it happen again. If you are not close to him, you cannot know the area of his strength and weakness. It is a matter of choice, choose to be close to your husband and have a good marriage or choose not to be close and have a frustrating marriage, the choice is yours. I advice that you should be close to your husband and enjoy your marriage =)
Shuwana, thank you for that worthy contribution! And inshaAllah – your points will be elaborated on in future posts (and likely a book too – make dua for me)!
Salam sis,
i agree with the points above. it seems like u r being too picky – u cant always get what u want. if ur husband is a good man and he is willing to support u, then y r u having doubts? everyone DREAMS of the perfect husband, but he doesnt exists! u have to create him
as u grow older with ur husband u learn to love each other – the good, the bad and th ugly lol! i’m sure there are things about u he would like to change, but u should learn to take the bad with the good. how do u think ur husband will feel if u tell him u have “‘always wanted to marry someone else!!!” u chose him, he chose u. marriage is a long term process.
There is no more “the way I want to live my life or my direction in life” it should now become “the way WE want to live OUR life or OUR direction in life”. Learn to let go of this selfishness and remember that marraige is a PARTNERSHIP!
good luck
I have been married for over 7 years Alhamdulillah, my marraige advice:
1 – Do not hold unrealistic expectations!
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.
2 – Emphasize the best in your spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics.
…Remember that your spouse is also Your brother or sister in Islam!
I have so much more to say, maybe i should write my own blog
It’s amazing just how many young sisters are experiencing the same thing! there is some amazing advice on this thread. i’d like to add my own – i went through a similar experience too (surprise surprise lol). It ended bad, but we managed to patch things up alhamdu’lilla!
The ‘C’s of a successful marraige:
A daily continuing COMMITMENT to the one to whom you originally committed yourself to when you said ‘I DO’.
Develop an open COMMUNICATION. This takes time and effort. It means accepting each other’s differences, thoughts and feelings without attacking.
A willingness to COMPROMISE. Allah never intended for us to think alike. We may have differences of opinion, but we need to be of the same mind only in loving each other for his sake. It’s called a marraige for a reason, it’s bringing two people together, merging them as one! You can no longer always get your own way.
No marriage is immune to CHALLENGES. They are meant to toughen you and serve as experiences to make you progress in the school of marriage.
The ‘A’s of a successful marraige:
Men require ADMIRATION – be careful how you tell your husband about your fears and worries, if you tell him you have always “dreamt of marrying someone with big goals ” he’s going to take it the wrong way! he may start closing up, losing confidence in himself and as a result paying you less attention. This will cause you to think he doesn’t love you…things will start spiralling out of control!
Women requre ATTENTION – the need to feel loved, they need to know there husband cares for them and about them, the moment a man stops paying his wife attention, you know there is something wrong! I learned this the hard way, but sometimes you need to look at your own actions and see why!
You are not alone here sister. so many marraiges end in divorce because either one or the other party is unwilling to compromise, being selfish, stubborn, me me me etc.
Marriage is hard work! But you will eventually bear the fruits of your labour, and trust me, it’s well worth it
Allah Hafiz
Dhayba
Wow – I’m loving the last few comments. This post seemed to really inspire people, mashaAllah! I think it’s the highest commented one and it is chock full of gems – barakAllahu feekum to all those who contributed. May you get the reward from Allah SWT for inspiring others! Ameen.
Me again – Just wanted to see if anyone replied to my post.
In our society, generally speaking, we tend to put far too many conditions and requirements that are not essentials from an Islamic perspective in a marriage. Islamically, the basic things we should consider are religion and character, all other requirements can be compromised on. Young people have to stop chasing the notion of the perfect one and start looking for the peaceful one. Islam is based on peace and Allah Almighty constantly calls us to the house of peace. Marriage is about finding peace within oneself and with one’s spouse.
…maybe i should write my own blog lol. Just kidding Sr.Heba, i’ll leave the great work to you
Jennifer – I wrote an article awhile back – don’t think I’ve posted it here yet, but you’re definitely hitting the hammer on the nail! So, we’re thinking alike! Alhamdullilah, the work is never done- s0, you should write your own blog
I hope the sister who posed the question is happily married. I was in the exact same position a few years ago. Instead of marrying the kind-hearted, rock-solid yet unambitious man, I married a man with much loftier goals. It ended badly. A marriage can’t work if only one person’s doing the compromising.
Heba – any chance of posting that article you are talking about? Would love to read it
Amush – I agree; it takes two people to make a marriage and two to break it up!
I’m trying to remember the article I mentioned or where I mentioned it – but I can’t
(I’m hopeless if I don’t write things down to remind myself). Can you remind me?
I think it was on ‘what is compatibility’ and what are the ‘acceptable differences’ between potential partners.
Jennifer, think that one needs another book
I’m still not sure which one it is, but in prep for the “seeking solomon” book coming out – I’ll be posting marriage articles inshaAllah. Hope you like the March 1st one 
I just read your ‘Seeking Solomon’ post. The following reminds me of this post:
Is the Muslimah looking for her suitable life partner setting impossibly high standards “just because she’s worth it”?
…I think its time for someone to put on their pink shades
Masha’Allah Heba,
This seems like (part 2) of your ‘Seeking Solomon’ post lol. You have quoted the same two ahadeeth
They are SO important subhanallah.
I think sisters underestimate the importance of having a patient and well mannered husband i.e. good characteristics! Allah says “Man is a creature of haste (impatience)” (al-Anbiya:37) so a person who is patient has a strong virtue and patience is mentioned in the Quran numerous times.
As for having good manners and being polite; these too are important characteristics. Allah mentions this in the Quran many times too.
If you read the works of scholars and ahadeeth of the Prophet (PBUH); you will always find ‘manners’ and ‘patience’ as good characteristics every muslim should strive to attain or aquire, subhan’allah!
It’s amazing how you have summed up everything about choosing a life partner in just two short ahadeeth. Short and sweet, nice and simple…
…maybe we sisters just overcomplicate things!
Young sisters don’t really have an understanding of what a long-term relationship is like. They become too concerned about trivial things and not concerned enough about what makes a long-term relationship work. Sisters need to re-evaluate their standards early on, to improve their chances of finding a good husband.
I think a lot of people have very fixed ideas of what kind of man can make them happy and they won’t look at men who don’t fit into that ideal. It’s not about lowering your standards. It’s about having really high standards, but about the things that matter.
Searching for ‘Mr.Perfect’ could leave sisters unhappy and alone in the long-term as they shun perfectly good partners. No man or woman has all the characteristics you would look for; it would be a miracle to find your No. 1. You have to find somebody with as many good characteristics as possible. Finding someone should not be so complicated.
Interesting post. Poeple develop over time. A marraige is a bond between two people that needs building. Almost everyone changes (for the better
) during marriage.
Would you rather marry someone who shared your goals but was the opposite of polite, gentle and patient?
There has to be a compromise ‘somewhere’ right?
Don’t rush your decision sister. After you tell him how you feel the chances are he won’t be so polite, gentle or patient, subhanallah! This is the way that Shaytaan works. He will find any excuse for divorce! Doubt and insecurities (i.e of the future) are what causes people to panic and make quick decisions. Don’t let his reaction put you off; he is only human!
Remember, there is no such things as Mr.Right!
I got the link to this page from a recent Almaghrib forum post. I didn’t realise that this post is one year old, SubhanAllah.
It seems like a popular topic these days. Its a series of events I have witnessed many times:
- Sisters have (too) high expectations.
- Stubbornness result in everyone falling short of her expectations.
- She realises she is getting old and is forced to lower her standards.
- Then she ends up settling for someone.
I’m not saying that settling for less than you deserve in your relationship is always going to be unfulfilling. But they miss out on the best part of being married young and GROWING with their husbands; as opposed to marrying someone who is set in their ways.
Allah knows best.
This may sound a little strange, but this is NORMAL in the first few weeks of marriage. The real beauty of married life will come only after you get over this blib. We all go through it, one way or another. Stay strong and be patient. Don’t make any rash decisions you will later regret. Verily Allah is with the patient.